Left Alone

I found this archived in my laptop. This was written on November 9, 2010 03:33PM.

People always say that it is harder to bring back friendship lost than to build up new ones. I have not given much thought about resurrecting relationships.  Links don’t break unless pulled.  I have built friendship with a lot of people.  I have maintained contact with the people important enough to be kept and let lose the people I don’t care much about.

Losing a loved one makes me reconsider my beliefs about relationship. I recently felt the urge to reconnect with friends I have not seen in years. At one point in my life, they were the only people I see, the only relationship I have and the only life I lived. When we separated, I thought an era ended and I have to welcome a new one. I don’t feel pain from losing them but I want to relive the life I spent with them. Because in that lifetime, I was complete. Now that I am broken, I want to channel my past self, scarred but not shattered. Maybe being with them would help me feel young again. Protected. Loved. Cared.

I rarely prayed but when I do, I feel everything. The searing pain of losing everything. The empty happiness of gaining some. I want to think I am thankful for what I have now but I don’t want to lie. I want to say I would exchange what I have now for what I have lost but I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I am relieved I don’t have the responsibilities I would have if my parents were alive. But I can’t deny how much I missed them. I dream about how I would have spent Christmas if they were still with me. Would have I chosen to be alone like what I have done for the past years? I cry whenever I remember them. I cry because I have nothing left to remember them by but a few pictures. The house we once considered home isn’t mine. It has been years since I’ve seen the inside of my home. My home was left rotting just like my parents. I don’t have the courage to visit my home. I am afraid to see how empty and damaged it has been. I once dreamt of coming home, with both of them waiting for me. A hot delicious meal eaten in front of the TV. They asked about work and I got annoyed because they won’t leave me alone. The truth is, I would rather be annoyed than what I am now. Left alone.

Today is my father’s 4^th year death anniversary.